Friends with Benefits
Can I get some of those?
When I was growing up, I spent a lot of time at my grandmother’s house. I still remember one magnet prominently displayed on her fridge — a brown curly teddy bear sat on a bench with the caption, “the only thing better than a friend is a friend with a bag of M&Ms.” I thought of that quote this week while reading David Spinks’ outstanding guest post on building community in Lenny’s Newsletter. The first reason people will join a community, he writes, is for the benefits. Then they’ll stay for the belonging and sense of connection.
“Your customers are going to join your community because of benefits, not belonging. Belonging comes after someone has been a part of a community and formed relationships. What’s going to get them in the door in the first place is a clear understanding of how the community will help them solve a problem or achieve a goal. Those are the questions you should aim to answer in your member research.”
It really is just like friendship, right? (Which makes sense, we’re all just humans out here, humaning-along with our base-level human desires.)
I don’t think we immediately decide to become someone’s friend for the deeper connection. Yes, that’s what we’re all seeking. But it’s impossible to know the contours of that connection until you’re a few more stages along. When you first meet someone, you don’t know yet whether you’ll hit them up every time you want to get into some questionable shenanigans, feel annoyed by the way they stir their tea, casually let the friendship drift apart or cry in the front row at their funeral. In theory, you might be a nice person who strikes up friendship with a lonely soul because you genuinely want to help another human being, but even the associated serotonin boost from knowing you’ve helped someone feel less alone could be thought of as a benefit?
It’s a little Machiavellian, when you think about it.
Here’s just a few of the reasons you might want to become someone’s friend slash join their community:
They make you look cool (Status): Maybe that dude with the slick-backed hair and leather jacket earns the respect of the entire school. Just being seen in his presence will give you a cool-boost. Unless you put it like that.
They can teach you something (Knowledge). That girl with the Warby Parker glasses knows everything about NFTs. She also seems kind enough not to mock you when you express confusion over the inherent worth of a JPEG. (It’ s not a JPEG. It’s so much more than a JPEG.)
They can connect you to other people (Network). Meeting people is hard enough on your own. Maybe this person is clearly a pillar of their community. Even if you secretly find their laugh grating, if they know other people you want to be friends with, you’ll likely ingratiate yourself regardless.
They share a common cause (Meaning), Do you and this person both fiercely believe UGGs are not footwear? You may be instantly inclined to hang out together and bond over a mutual hatred of what looks like bedroom shoes in public.
They have M&Ms. (Self explanatory.)
This is a framework I’ll trademark SKNMM&MSE™.
Our reasons for approaching another person are both surface level and not. The same way love at first sight is not so unsubtly tied to a potential mate’s looks or the way she flips her hair. First glimpse qualities make you take a chance on the off-chance there’s something deeper.
Be honest: what’s the most superficial reason you’ve joined a community?
My childhood church had some pretty great coffee.
If only we could serve coffee on our Discord.
Over and out,
Alicia